Below are the 18 most recent journal entries recorded in anti_sxe's LiveJournal:

Sunday, January 20th, 2008
11:36 am	Apparently people read this...how delightful. Still shitty. (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 12th, 2008
12:03 pm	Why did I even start posting in this...my original intention was to create a chronicle that I would be able to refer to forever, but look at what it has become- The most depressing piece of shit ever, and a testament to my misery. I should be able to remember how shitty this phase of my life has been without the aid of a livejournal so...goodbye for now, livejournal. If my life turns around, perhaps I will tell you about it....but I won't be so quick to post as I have been in the past. My happiness undulates like the tides(oo poetic) so there is no use posting about it. It's not like there is anything else going on in my life worth posting about either...I am just a lazy piece of shit-a terrible friend, boyfriend, and son. But you know something...the majority of you(humans) aren't any better than me, and I can't stand you much like I can't stand myself...so phooey. Here is a quick debriefing of my life anyway, before our long time apart... My Relationship- sucks. School- I am on break right now, and I go back on the 22nd. My grade point average is a 3.222, which disappoints me, but it should increase next semester when I will be taking classes that weren't picked for me. Friends- I have always been and will always be somewhat of an outsider, and awkward around them. Family- Might as well not even be in my family- I don't even know what to talk to them about anymore, and I know they feel the same about me, so instead of engaging in meaningful conversation with me(which they are probably incapable of doing anyway) they just pick on me because of my physical appearance or ask me questions about school that don't really make sense, since they didn't go to school. The remainder of the time- Smoking weed, and getting involved in ornithological research, which incidentally is what I want to do with my life. I find solace in birding. Hopefully it won't be too long before I see you again, LJ...but like I said before, I will henceforth be doubly prudent in my proclamations of happiness. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 1st, 2008
9:04 pm	Scratch that My life bloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwws. (Comment on this)
Monday, December 17th, 2007
10:56 pm	Oh joy! Oh rapture! Oh livejournal! How delighted you will be at the merry tidings I bring! Things with me and Jess have taken a turn for the better! Still, only time will tell- but now, I greet each day with an enthusiasm formerly unknown! And just in time for the holidays! I will elaborate later; there simply is no time now. I must be off. I have sucessfully completed my first semester of college, and a celebratory blunt awaits me! And to you, the one who commented anonymously on my last post- don't think I won't find you! Why even as I type, my third hand is tracking you down with my sophisticated AIM profile-reading software. Of course you have AIM, everyone has AIM! Current Mood: jubilant (Comment on this)
Friday, November 23rd, 2007
10:31 am	I smoke lots of reefer...I wouldn't hesitate to say that in the past three years, there have probably only been a week's(or so) worth of days where I went completely sober. Maybe two weeks. Either way, that's not a lot of days. Should I stop? Can I stop? Is my pot smoking in any way detrimental? There was certainly a time where smoking harmed me more than it helped...senior year comes to mind. I was on drugs in school almost every day that year, and it was just a matter of time before shit happened. But was the pot really to blame, or was it other causal factors? I had just gotten out of a incredibly long and stupid relationship with a girl whom I despised, and I was celebrating. Had I preferred alcohol, I probably would have drank every day. The pot isn't to blame- it is my personality. That was a long time ago, and I probably smoke more frequently than ever today. However, mary jane's role in my life has changed, and now she served much healthier purposes. I rarely go to class high, preferring to smoke pot afterwards as a way of unwinding. I spend entire nights doing homework, and I go out and smoke afterwards. Now pot enriches my life, instead of detracting from it. But could I stop? Something tells me "no."  I need something there, to help me unwind...I need an initiative...I need a non-human friend, someone I can be alone with.... I may have substance abuse problems, sure...but I don't really consider them harmful, so I am not seeking help for them. I guess that means they aren't really problems at all. It's not like I am my girlfriend- her weed is alcohol, which would be fine, if she didn't have such a bad reaction to it. That is a true problem...but lets not get into this again. I mean, even my parents have come to terms with my smoking, for they see that it no longer has an adverse effect on my life... I don't consider my pot use a problem, and until someone convinces me otherwise, I will continue to smoke as much as possible. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 21st, 2007
7:11 pm	I stumbled across my girlfriend Jess' livejournal the other day. I didn't know she had one. Well I guess she would have no reason for telling me she had created one...right? Well I proceeded to read every word of of every entry she had made. Jess is an amazing and sweet girl and I love her very much, but she has done some incredibly fucked up things to me...forgivable but unforgettable things, you know? She is one of those people whos id shows whenever they get drunk, and its a disgusting sight. For the very extended period of time that she was cheating on me, she never once showed any signs of guilt, and repeatedly lied through her teeth. "Wow," I thought, "This girl is really fucked up." But as I read her journal, I could see that she had in fact struggled, just a little, with the guilt of her malefaction. I could see where she was struggling with me as well, because I can be quite difficult too(only as a result of what she has done, but that is beside the point, and mostly an obsolete statement, so many months later). I bookmarked her journal, and since have been using it to check on our status. Our relationship has been on rocky grounds recently, and sometimes, after an exceptionally bad fight, I would check the journal, to see if she has meant that last "I hope you die" enough to make an entry about it. So far she hasn't, and we are still dating, although, even as I write this, she is telling me that she hopes I have an awful night, and that what she is doing is "none of my business." Well anyway, today I looked, and several of the entries had been deleted. Most of the ones with any mentioning of me were gone, as well as one where she expressed her delight at a night well spent doing oxycontin. I guess Jess doesn't want anyone to see that part of her, idk. She is a good girl at heart. As Brian once put it- "That girl wouldn't even know what a forty was had we not shown her." If that girl doesn't get lost inside a bottle, she will have a wonderful life. She is a highly capable person, intelligent, and fiercely independent. But that last quality makes it hard to have a relationship with her. She is not happy with me, and she will never be. I cannot offer her te things she needs. So her moods are becoming increasingly unstable...every other day, now, she is freaking out because I sound unenthusiastic and i am so boring and a mope and i never want to do anything and she is sick of it and she has fallen out of contact with her friends because of me and etc etc etc etc. I am a mope all the time because I don't forget the things she says to me. I can't see her and act happy when I know that she isn't happy, that she says "sure, I will go to your house" just because it is the easiest thing to do in that situation, rather than start a fight because she wants to go get alcohol yet again. There is so much more, but it is too depressing. So now, I wait. According to her, it is just matter of days before she breaks up with me once and for all. I don't blame her, I can't give her what she wants. I just wish she hadn't deceived me for so long. Ahead is either a long and depressing process of recovery, or, if she doesn't break up with me, a strained and torturous relationship. The future is bleak. Maybe she will just start to like me, or stop taking out her frustration on me... but things don't look too hopeful. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 6th, 2007
6:44 pm	I habitually look at people's AIM profiles...even people who I haven't talked to in years... What makes me creepy is that I have actually added people to my buddy list for the sole purpose of looking at their profile...I never intend to talk to them. I just like to watch their lives. I could be looking at your profile right now. Current Mood: predatory (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 3rd, 2007
11:12 am	Don't look at this! Come, come now ron....settle down, get a grip....it's just nostalgia again, that's why you are back....It could never be...no....never..... You could never actually feel the need to make a real entry, could you?! Impossible...It couldn't possibly be so...It would go against everything I have said for the past 5 years... BUT NOTHING HAS EVER FELT SO RIGHT! SHHH...hush now...someone will hear you...or see you on their friends page... How much longer can I suppress what is longing to escape my fingertips...? No longer. I have decided. I will use you, livejournal! But only as a debauchee uses a cheap whore...you will never be my friend..."eljay." Our relationship is strictly one of convenience. I type shit in this box, I can see an account of my life, thats it. No more. I won't be attending any of your fruity conventions. I will not go class ostentatiously displaying your signature "pen-and-circle" logo on a newly bought t-shirt. No. Perhaps I will forget I even made this entry. (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 19th, 2007
9:06 am	Well Well Well.... Hello?......is there anybody IN there..... So. Three years time has elapsed and in a fit of nostalgia I decided to look at this old rage-journal...to read the entry that I formerly thought was the perfect argument against straightedgeism... I was really young back then, a sophomore, just coming out of the shell of childhood and going naked into the cold cold world of adulthood...I was realizing so many things about myself and the world around me that I was kinda freaking out. Of course I didnt realize that at the time, but, looking back after seeing other people go through the same awkward phase at the beginning of their pseudo-enlightenment (and not realizing how irritating it is) makes me want to apologize for being a bit of an asshole. Just a bit... However, as immature as my argument was, I stick by it. It wasnt that bad. I was wrong about some things, notably when I said that I would stop doing drugs if they got "out of hand." I didnt, and I sort of fucked up my life too. But not beyond repair, so it really doesnt bother me. You straightedgers were wrong about...well, a host of things. To illustrate this point, I will proclaim for all the online journal community to hear that at least two of my main antagonists in this argument have since "broken edge" and now make drugs a part of their teenage experience. I predicted this would happen even in my sophomoric awkwardness, but refrained from mentioning it; that would be presumptuous. "Blah blah blah, I've found my path, blah blah blah, its unhealthy, blah, ill show you these 'facts,' blah blah my friends ditch me to do drugs." Well now you know why they did. They sure are fun, aint they? This has been Peter Winkler, broadcasting to you "straight outta rehab." Current Mood: satisfied Current Music: Queen- We are the Champions (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, March 7th, 2004
4:59 pm	What the hell has happened to nickelodeon? (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, February 2nd, 2004
9:46 pm	"Stealing condoms is my new hobby." - Jimmy (3 Comments |Comment on this)
1:43 pm	oh THE THINKS YOU CAN THINK! Current Mood: quixotic Current Music: ENOLA GAY (2 Comments |Comment on this)
1:28 pm	I could be black, if i wasnt so white. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 1st, 2004
2:13 pm	Peter Winkler (10 Comments |Comment on this)
2:08 pm	Hand on computer screen. (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 27th, 2004
5:45 pm	AND THE WAR WAGES ON ATTENTION I HAVE REACHED 80 COMMENTS. That was my goal I think. My "journal" has reached HOT-SPOT status. Current Music: Three on Speed- NoFX (17 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, January 26th, 2004
10:24 pm	this is BULL-shit. Well, I just read the straightedge argument on lisa's livejournal. It really pissed me off. In fact, it pissed me off to the point I made a livejournal (or "ELJAY") just to post my anti-straightedge argument for all of you to see. Well. Here I go... YOU ASSHOLES HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT. I just saw a "straightedge" individual say they were "wiser" than someone who is not. WHAT THE FUCK. Tell me, can you even define wisdom?! I BET YOU CANT. You are in no shape to be saying you are wiser than "us"(non-straightedge). But lets pretend you really DO know what wisdom is for a little bit. I'll give you an example of a wise man (dont call me sexist please). The wise man is the one who has found the truth about themselves and what they are. They have found the truth by experiencing themselves to the fullest potential. Experience is the key word. Wisdom can only be attained through experience. Try to give me another method, its bullshit already. How can you think you are wise when you are the people who have experienced the least? How can you possibly think you know enough about something to totally reject it without ever having experienced it? YOU CANT. BUT YOU TRY TO. THATS WHY YOU ARE ASSHOLES. You will live your life under the "cozy umbrella" that is straightedge(ism), pointing your finger out from underneath, trying to decide what is wrong and what is right while never really seeing them for yourself. And HEY, there is my next point! Who the FUCK do you think your are to decide is wrong, right, good or bad? I bet you cant define THOSE EITHER! But, even if you could, you still would'nt be able to decide because you have still never experienced the things you so ardently reject. You think you know enough about drugs to totally block them off for your whole life? Thats a really big decision! One that you cant make without fully experiencing everything. BUT YOU DO ANYWAY. And worse, you come down on people who have decided to think things through more carefully before making huge, life altering decisions. HENCE, YOU ARE ASSHOLES. You guys, at age 14-20 or whatever, think you have found the only "right" way of life. Also, you think you know enough about his way of life to instruct others on what they should do with THEIR lives. But, even though you have found the "right way of life," you are still miserable. You come on this stupid site, every fucking day, and complain about how no one likes you, and how depressed you are, and how bored you were today in school. Lets face it, if this is you I am talking about (you know who you are),you are not in the right condition to make the choice to be straightedge or not. THAT IS A HUGE CHOICE. And if you already HAVE made the choice to be, and you are still miserable every day, lets face it, you probably made the wrong choice. Who knows, maybe you need the drugs more than the rest of us. Thats for you to find out. But you refuse to find out. ASSHOLES. Oh, and please dont respond to this by saying "You are really just a loser who tries to make yourself seem tough so people will respect you." I guarantee at least one of you is thinking that already. Thats bullshit. I just get pissed off when people dont know what they are talking about. I want to hear your arguments. Respond to the entire rant, dont pick on little parts of it and try to prove me wrong. That means you think right with the other parts. Prove me wrong, please. I beg you. Current Music: Two On Glue -NoFX (124 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, January 25th, 2004
10:02 pm	KISS MY ASS frozen pizza is calling my name. frozen pizza, this song is lame. (5 Comments |Comment on this)